Buried Dreams
by Orilon
Summary: Xander is depressed. Rating is for themes of Suicide.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Last Day  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: R for themes of Suicide  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy  
  
Summary: Xander is depressed.  
  
WARNING: Suicide fic  
  
Feedback: Please  
  
Drip. Drip Drip. Drip  
  
Xander watched the blood drip from his wrists to the floor. Wishing that Spike was there to drink it, not waste the crimson fluid on the carpet of his basement. But, that was the reason he was doing this. Spike was a pile of dust in his crypt; Buffy had snapped and dusted him because she was tired of dealing with him.  
  
She hadn't realized that he needed him. The blonde vampire was the only one that didn't ignore him, that didn't only talk to him when he was useful. The only one who saw beneath his facade was hiding behind his own facade. Willow had been his friend since he was little, but she had never seen beneath his joking attitude. They had drifted away like everyone else.  
  
As his vision darkened, Xander had two hopes. One, that he would see Spike again, and two, that Willow didn't find his body. That would break her, worse than anything that the Hell mouth could throw at her. They may have fallen away, but he still didn't want to hurt her. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Nice Day...For a Funeral  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG-13 for Aftermath of Suicide  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Title belongs to Overkill from their Horrorscope CD  
  
Summary: Willow's thoughts in the aftermath of Xander's suicide  
  
Feedback: Please  
  
  
  
Why? Was the main thought going through Willow's head. Why would he do this?  
  
Buffy had found Xander's body surrounded by blood when she went looking for him after none of them had seen him for over a week. Willow was worried after two days of not seeing him but no one listened to her. Of course. Since he didn't leave a note, nobody knew what pushed him over the edge enough to cut his wrists. As they were making funeral arrangements, courtesy of Giles, Willow tried to remember the last days she had seen him to look for clues and warning signs. Something that would have told her he was this depressed. And what she could have done to stop him, to give him something else to live for.  
  
Had he lost another job? In the past that was not enough to make him depressed, but it was a possibility. Was there some girl that he had been dating that left? Willow wished she knew. He never did have much luck with women. What had changed that got to him this much?  
  
The only definite thing that she knew had changed was that Buffy had been fed up with Spike and staked him. But why would that affect him this way? He hated Spike's guts; he probably would have thrown a party now that the vampire was gone.  
  
She guessed she would never know, as much as that hurt. 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Buried Dreams  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Title and lyrics come from "Buried Dreams" by Carcass off their Heartwork CD  
  
Summary: Xander's ghost watches his grave  
  
Feedback: Please  
  
~ Song Lyrics ~  
  
  
  
~ Welcome to a world of hate, a life of buried dreams ~  
  
Xander's ghost laughed bitterly as he watched his grave. They had no clue what so ever. They came crying to his grave, asking why he did this. Why he had killed himself, when he had so much to live for. That was a laugh. The only thing he did live for was taken away by Buffy in a fit of anger.  
  
Spike was the only one he considered worth living for, being the only one that cared for him. The others only pretended to care, when it was convenient for them. Now they cared, after he was gone. Typical. They ignored him when he was alive, only wanting to see him when he was useful. When he wasn't, he was expected to leave until he was needed again.  
  
He leaned against Spike's shoulder. At least he had gotten his wishes. He was able to see Spike again and Buffy, not Willow, found his body. He had almost hoped she would. Maybe that would make her wake up. It hadn't. She was still stuck in her little world. Angry with him for upsetting things from the way she thought they should be, not sad that he was gone. He had almost expected that from her.  
  
She wanted things to go her way, and complained bitterly when they didn't. He laughed a little when Giles admonished her for whining about him not being there to fetch things.  
  
They didn't seem to realize he needed Spike. Hearing all of Willow's "Possible Theories" when she was talking out loud to herself at his grave was amusing. She wondered around the bull's eye, but never hit it. He supposed that they never would guess the real reason. 


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Are They There?  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG-13 for one bad word  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander  
  
Spoilers: Small ones for Season 4 of Buffy  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.  
  
Summary: The ghosts play pranks on Buffy and Willow, leaving clues.  
  
Feedback: Please.  
  
Dedication: Thank you to k.macdonald for the idea for this one.  
  
Xander's ghost chuckled as Spike's ghost broke all of Buffy's vials of holy water on her bed.  
  
"Get Mr. Gordo." Xander said, knowing she treasured that damn pig.  
  
"Which is that?" Spike asked, looking around the girl's dorm room.  
  
"The stuffed pig." Spike floated over and picked it up, handing it to Xander.  
  
Xander looked around the room, trying to find something symbolic he could do to the stuffed animal. He grabbed a stake and drove it through the pig's "heart" into her bed. He snatched a handful of stakes and shoved them into her mattress, spelling out Spike's name above the staked pig. Spike poured a bottle of red nail polish on Willow's bed, spelling Xander's name, and his own beneath it. Xander retrieved a handful of sand and poured it over the pig, simulating vampire dust.  
  
"Want to do something more to slutty's things?" Spike asked.  
  
Xander thought of how she always whined about her clothes. Using one of her knives, he slashed all of her new clothes. He knew it was petty to want revenge on the slayer, but he couldn't help it. He wondered if Buffy and Willow would get the point.  
  
Buffy probably wouldn't, but Willow might. He hoped that she would use her intelligence to piece the clues together. Especially the glaring one on her bed. 


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Open...Finally  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander (implied)  
  
Spoilers: small ones for Season 4  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.  
  
Summary: Willow gets a clue with her new blanket.  
  
Feedback: Please.  
  
  
  
Willow took in the damage in the dorm room, tuning out Buffy's ranting and raving. She stared at the nail polish names on her bed until her vision blurred, mind going wild.  
  
Could Spike's death be connected with Xander's? Xander had seemed almost happy when Spike started patrolling regularly with him, happier than he had been in a long time. The blond vampire seemed to direct his attacks more at Buffy and her and less at Xander. She had thought that she heard kissing when her and Buffy's path intersected theirs, but she told herself she was imagining things. He had lost the happiness the next night when Buffy announced she had staked the "blond annoyance." That was when the depression set in, and he seemed almost zombie like.  
  
Then he was found dead with blood everywhere. Oh god. It was. Xander had loved, or was falling in love with, Spike and Buffy had to ruin it. Willow began to question Buffy's motives. Was she fed up with Spike's attitude, or was she jealous of the happiness those two had? She wasn't happy so she wouldn't let anyone else be happy around her.  
  
She had indirectly killed Xander by killing Spike. Could those two have somehow done this? No one was seen around the dorm room, and the "staked" pig brought up the whole Spike thing. Plus he always was complaining about the pig's blood that he drank and Buffy called him a pig during her disastrous "will be done" spell when they were engaged. The stakes in the shape of his name wasn't exactly subtle and the broken holy water vials added to it.  
  
This was a wake up call to how blind she was. 


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Revelations  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG-13 (two bad words)  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander and a small mention of Angel/Spike  
  
Spoilers: small one for Fool for Love  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.  
  
Summary: Angel finds out about the ghosts.  
  
Feedback: Please.  
  
  
  
Angel was reading a book when he felt a ghostly presence. When he looked up, he was shocked to see William. Not Spike with bleached blonde hair and bad attitude but William, with golden blonde hair and gentle soul. He groaned when he saw Xander, not being in the mood to deal with the boy and his very vocal dislike of the older vampire.  
  
He felt sadness flow through him as he realized the both of them were the ghosts he felt, especially William. He loved the younger vampire; although, he never really showed it. Angelus was disgusted at the fact that he loved William, and tried to punish the younger vampire for making him feel something beyond the normal vampire emotions.  
  
He wrapped his arms around William burying his face in the cold neck, crying. He had hoped that he would never have to face the day that his Childe was dust. Not until he was dust, anyway. Another hope shot to hell.  
  
"What happened?" he mumbled against the soft skin.  
  
"Buffy." Xander said simply. He was having mixed emotions about Angel with his face in his lover's neck. He knew that Will loved his Sire, and was hurt badly when Angelus rejected him, but jealously was raising its ugly head.  
  
"What happened to you?" Angel directed towards Xander.  
  
"Stupid boy killed himself after the bitch staked me. Don't understand why." William answered.  
  
Angel shook his head sadly. No one had showed William any love when he was human, (he himself was guilty of that as well) so William didn't believe himself worthy of love.  
  
Angel had a feeling he knew why Xander had done what he did. He, like Angel, couldn't stand the thought of no Spike in his life. Unlike Angel, he had taken the easy way out and killed himself. Angel was tempted, but his hunt for redemption kept him alive, so-to-speak.  
  
"... I'm not worth it." He heard William say as he came out of his musings.  
  
"You are." Angel growled. He was pissed that the Slayer killed his childe, and that William was putting himself down once again. He was going to Sunnydale to get answers. 


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Reflections  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander and a little Spike/Angel  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take and let me know where.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.  
  
Summary: William's thoughts on the events after his staking.  
  
Feedback: Please.  
  
  
  
William was shocked at the behavior of his sire. Of all the things he was expecting, his sire burying his face in his neck and crying was not one of them. And when he told Xander that he was not worth his suicide, he didn't expect his sire's reaction. The sorrow at the fact they were ghosts was the complete opposite from what he thought.  
  
The fact that Xander killed himself because of him being dust was unexpected as well. The two had grown closer in the few months before his staking, but he hadn't thought that when he was gone, Xander couldn't live without him. All the people in both is life and unlife considered him not worth much, tears or otherwise.  
  
He chuckled at the memory of the Slayer's face when Angel went down there and demanded answers as to why she staked him since he was defenseless. The hurt look on her face was priceless when Angel expressed his disgust at her waiting until Spike was unable to fight back to stake him.  
  
William had never thought that his sire would value the Childe/Sire bond over his love of the slayer. Without the demon mocking him for being weak he could easily admit that he loved, never hated, his sire and was deeply hurt when he ran off after he got his soul back. The demon was the one who was nasty to his sire and everyone else because he was trying to protect the fragile heart resting inside.  
  
He hoped that he would still be able to remain in contact with his sire. The feeling of not fighting felt good, and he didn't want to give it up, just as he didn't want to give up the relationship with Xander. 


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Visitations  
  
Author: Orilon  
  
Rating: PG-13 for one bad word  
  
Pairing: Spike/Xander  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know where.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.  
  
Summary: Willow's thoughts about Angel's visit.  
  
Feedback: Please.  
  
Willow was becoming annoyed with Buffy's complaining about Angel's last visit. Hearing the same three phrases being whined for the past hour was highly irritating and at this point, the red head wished there was some way to shut Buffy up./p  
  
Willow was very surprised when angel had come down from LA asking about what happened to Spike and Xander. Of course, Buffy showed no remorse about staking Spike and complained about Xander not being there to be errand boy.  
  
Her surprise increased when she heard Angel yell at Buffy for staking a defenseless vampire that helped, but didn't get any thanks. The calling her a selfish bitch was a new one also. In the past, Angel always seemed to go along with what Buffy said, and worshiped the ground she walked on. Looks like moving to LA woke him up to her real nature.  
  
On her last nerve, Willow left the dorm to go to Xander's grave for some peace and quiet. She missed him and wished she could have helped stop both deaths. 


End file.
